What quality should distinguish the communication of Christ-followers? 

Forgiveness - Communication

As a child, I used to think that Christians were just supposed to be nice  -- really, really, really nice.  But as I matured (a least a little bit), I discovered that being nice is…complicated.  “Niceness” can communicate so many unhealthy things – denial, enabling, avoidance, and even the perpetuation of injustice. 

A more mature but more difficult approach is to aim for Christ-like communication characterized not merely by pleasantries but by the often unpleasant, unnerving, and unusual act of forgiveness. Forgiveness-communication is a mature kind of loving orientation toward others that “keeps no record of wrongs.”  Will people of faith feel angry, guilty, remorseful, vengeful, betrayed, and hurt?  Of course!  But how we relate to others after the events should be uncommon, modeling the strength of forgiveness-communication as a powerful agent of change. 

What about when my communication with others is far from “nice?” Have you had those moments when your words wound someone and you are left wishing you could find and hit the delete button on your mouth?   Unfortunately, that’s not possible.  Words, once uttered, have the potential to last forever in the mind of the other. 

So what do we say or do when we need to apologize?  While there are complicated theological and emotional processes connected to giving and receiving forgiveness, the actual words that need to be spoken to get things started are quite straightforward. Those two or three little words that are so hard to say need to come right out of our mouths…with eye contact, sincere expression, and no excuses: I am sorry.  While short and simple, this phrase tends to be difficult to speak well. 

A muttered or flippant “I’m sorry” can translate:

“Sorta sorry if I have to be.  You don’t matter much.”

An “I’m sorry” that infers the other is really to blame can translate:

“I’m sorry.  Now, how about you?”

An “I’m sorry” followed by explanations can translate:

“My behavior really makes sense if only you would take the time to understand my point of view; you shouldn’t be hurt.”

A sincerely spoken “I’m sorry” is critical to the communication of love.  So why do we  frequently avoid saying these words?  Perhaps we’re afraid of the reaction.  What if they get emotional?  What if they don’t accept my apology?  What if they tell me off?  It won’t be a very nice occasion.  Well, be ready for all of that.  Give the other person time and space to vent about their wound.  Probe and affirm their feelings and thoughts and then? Repeat the apology!  Keep the conversation centered on the other person, rather than on you and your excuses.  If the wound is deep, it will take time for them to experience you behaving in ways that demonstrate that you are indeed sorry. 

Forgiveness-communication – a distinctive, challenging, grace-filled lifestyle!